Bizarrely Constructed Burger

I am trying to fit in my community. I am trying to make some lemonade over here. So, I have been occassionally eating at some local establishments. One town favorite is Great Awakenings. There is a location in Salinas and another on Monterey. I went to Monterey with a friend, and it was pretty good, so I've been giving the Salinas location a whirl. There are some disappointments.

First, the potatoes. Call me crazy, but I think a potato should be cooked through with no crunchy at all. Potatoes are not like green vegetables or noodles which should by all rights be cooked al dente. No, potatoes should be soft the whole way through. Obviously, the cook at Greak Awakenings does not agree with me. For the second time today, my home fries were underdone. I suspect that they do boil them first, but in an effort to keep them from falling apart, they undercook them. But then they don't cook them enough on the griddle to actually finish the cooking process, leaving you with a slightly crunchy, unsatisfying potato. If it happens again, I'm complaining.

Second, the burger was bizarrely constructed. The most obvious defect was that it came to me cut in half. Now, I know a lot of people prefer to eat their burgers cut in half. That's fine. It's not the way I prefer to eat mine, however. And while anyone can cut a burger in half when it is sitting whole on his or her plate, it is impossible to glue a burger back together once it's been cut. So strike number one is the cutting of the burger. Leave the integrity of the patty alone.

Second, who melts cheese on a piece of tomato. I mean really. The lettuce and tomato are cold, and should maintain that coldness. You do not try to melt cheese on the tomato. This is not a grilled cheese with tomato, this is a burger. The burger is the hot item, it is onto this round piece of food that the cheese should be melted. Oh, sure, there was cheese melted on the underside, but not on top. What?

Let's pause for a moment and consider the entire structure of the burger. It began with a soft, floofy bun. I suspect there was some potato starch in the bun. It was not quite sturdy enough for a full burger, but whatever. That was grilled with some butter. Next came a melted layer of cheese and the actual burger patty. On top of the patty was mayo. Wha? Hu? The mayo does not go on the burger. It goes on the bread -- which does not need butter because it is getting mayo. Then there was a layer of iceburg letter (ooh, fancy). Then, tomato. Then the cheese. Yeah -- warm tomato and cold cheese. Joy. Then the top of the bun. Notice what is missing? That's right, the onion. The onion that I specifically said I DID want. So right there we have strikes two and three.

For the record, a cheeseburger should be constructed in the following mannter. Bun, dry toasted. Burger, preferably a hand-formed patty made freshly ground meat. Then, melty cheese. Jack, cheddar, swiss, or provalone all work, as does blue cheese. Then onion. The onion should nestle into the cheese and provide a piquant bite to the mellow cheese. Then bacon (if required). Then tomato -- garden ripe. Then lettuce -- green leaf acceptable, but romaine is better able to stand up to the temperatures and juices of said burger. Red leaf and mesclun are really too thin to be ideal. Finally, a nice spread of mayo on the top bun, which again has been dry-toated. Now *that* is a burger.

Oh, and my waiter kept on calling me "Sweetie". Don't get me wrong, I do not mind the pet names. Eight years in the South, and I am down with a Honey and Sugar and Shug. However, I have not been a "Sweetie" in I don't know how long -- especially from a pimply 20-something man who is obviously younger than I am. (At least it was obvious to me.) He also had taken a page out of Office Space; and was right there with the 27 pieces of flair. I do not remember the character's name, but he's the "good" waiter at the restaurant. He was chipper and friendly (but forgot the onion on the burger) and had a long conversation with himself (considering the task) of getting me more water. And he called me "Sweetie." Weird.

I might still hit them up for breakfast again, but lunch is sadly lacking.